The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one
I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a
few sessions with my students. It helps them get over
shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids
bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they
catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in
to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of
the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my
baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke
grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella
cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and
I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder
with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying
and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand
behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house
for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is
doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like
this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept
in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and
spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has
her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing
away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push,
push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting,
but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so
there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever
since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my
camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes
along.